Sunday, September 4, 2011

Never underestimate negative thoughts

**I wish I had time to edit this but it's better to get this out than to spend time I don't really have refining what I've written with a worse version of mommy brain today.  I'll try to clean this up later!**

As someone who has gone through a form of depression and had access to free counseling as a student, my heart goes out to Wade Belak and his family. For those who say we just need to speak up when negative thoughts enter our heads, it's not as easy as that. We need to know we're talking to someone who will listen without judgement and will not take lightly what we say. We need to know that we are accepted for how we are at whatever point we are at in our healing. We need to know that it's okay for us to say "No". We need to know that there is a better version for us waiting to be revealed and that others are there to help us uncover it - not pull it out or mash us into another form or tear down our protective barriers prematurely.

I realize this sounds really "needy" but people who are injured are so. Healthy people don't have gaps to fill like those who are hurting.

Because we aren't offered half of what we need, we cover. We build thicker calluses which greater endanger our ability to heal and be healthy. This is why it is difficult to tell the difference between someone who is healthy and someone who is mentally/emotionally suffering unless you've been through it yourself, and even then it's hard to spot. I tried covering up my pain - which I only half-realized was there - and ended up burning out at a crucial time in my life. Not like any time was a good time, but during my first year of marriage, in my second year of my masters, as I'm becoming more involved in youth ministry and continuing my role as a worship leader, wanting life to stop wasn't the best desire to have.

I should clarify: I didn't want to end my life, just my life activities to stop. I needed a vacation badly but couldnt' afford one time-wise, let alone financially, but it was very much needed and actually would have been a greater investment than plowing through, no matter how much character it gave me.  i am so grateful to Jim B. who detected how much I needed a break and paid for a spa visit.  That was incredibly generous of him and that offer alone helped me heal some.  I'm still healing from the scars accrued over 14 years though.  And since life doesn't stop, it's going to take a few years yet.

If you have persistent negative thoughts going through your head that drains you in a way that keeps you from wanting to get out of bed, please try talking to someone. Don't brush them aside and hope they'll go away. They might, but you want to deal with them while they're budding in case they don't. Besides, we're not meant to fight these battles alone! =)

Friday, September 2, 2011

Squeezed out from Tumblr.

Okay, so I can't access my Tumblr so I guess I'll start posting things here.  I've started a few blogs and never got back to them but maybe this one is it?  Ah, we'll see.

I've gotten in to reading Oswald Chambers again as part of my devos.  Today's was convicting, being about ripened grapes ready to be squeezed.  I keep thinking back to my energy to ministry when I was younger and wonder why I don't have the same gusto as before.  It's not age (even though I do feel slower!) because I feel it in my heart.  There's this heaviness that makes moving harder.  I think it's because I haven't fully healed from being burned.  I've been burned in ministry, burned by friendships, burned by being there for everyone and not asking anyone to be there for me.  And now I'm in a career that pretty much calls for me to be there for others with the tradition of even putting church ahead of family, something which I cannot agree with.

Where do I go from here?  I know God has called me to be an equipper - it's something I naturally do.  Either the context needs to change or I do.  Right now, I'm hoping it's a little bit of both.